Saturday, July 31, 2010

A different kind of trip

   Yesterday I was driving around running errands getting ready for my trip and listening to my Ipod...so doing a thing I rarely do I am stealing some song lyrics and applying them to myself

"And I can’t fall asleep
Without a little help
It takes awhile to settle down
My ship of hopes"


   For the past week I have been unable to sleep, unable to concentrate or more embarrassing (to a self-admitted non emotion sharing person) unable to have a moment to myself without bursting into tears. No matter what way I look at this trip I find myself running in circles. "Its just a vacation" I try to tell myself but I know that's a lie. "12 days without the girls will be a good break" another lie and since this is the longest I will ever have gone without them I have trouble imagining it. "If the surgery doesn't work nothing ventured nothing gained" The biggest lie of all. I "came out" when I published my previous post as to how much this surgery and the possible that go with it changed my outlook of hope and now, the day I leave I am stuck facing myself and the reality of what it means.

  Usually when I go away on vacation I am looking back to coming home a relaxed and refreshed version of myself  and with this trip I am taking that desire to a new level. I feel like a kid at Christmas waiting to see the shiny package under the tree, wrapped in the most beautiful paper with a large bow and containing the my one must have gift. I cannot help it, when I have a moment to think about the possibility of the surgery working I get giddy and hopeful and lie awake playing over what it would mean.

 I am being realistic though, I do know the procedure might not work so as prepare myself for the trip I am noting other positive aspects. Most importantly the support I have received from all of my family and friends I am a very lucky lady surrounded by very amazing people and I because of this I am able to hold out a-lot of hope for my wonderful future even if it does not work. I am headed to Germany, it has been over a decade since I have been to Europe and I am looking forward to being a tourist. I am about to spend 9.5 hours on a plane. Most people would dread this part but the Mommy in me is secretly looking forward to the solitude that my little "pod" will bring me. No talking just reading and writing and maybe watching a movie...eating hot food and drinking a nice glass of wine it's almost a visit to the spa ;)

  So as I promised I will continue to blog on my trip and I just wanted to thank you all for your amazing kind words and actions and your overwhelming support and encouragement.

Thanks

Love Jessica